Naomi – Day 5

My best and worst day so far, but at least I am beginning to get to the bottom of this low mood which is eating in to everything. Major achievements today are doing some washing and making firmer plans for next week (when I hope this current wave of depression will lift some) and beginning to read the simple and thorough ACE guide to applying for funding. At over 50 pages long it’s the length of a novella.

Morning pages, as ever and attend to emails. Realise that I have yet to get the full spec on a job I am interested in. Get an instant email response and utterly convinced I cannot do the more project management part of it (although feel perhaps the creative and community elements I may be able to handle and dare I say relish the interaction) – send email saying as much as want to know whether I should apply or not.

Wrong Move. Later at yoga with Malika and Suzanne (a weekly session I run with them – more of a guided practice with some teaching thrown in by me) we talk afterwards and I tell them this. They are stunned, both of them telling me NEVER tell a potential employer that you cannot do something! We are here to help you, don’t you know you can call US and talk to US, we can help with YOUR application !!! A loving conversation ensues where they both let me know that I really can ask for help if I need it. I realise it’s big this not asking for help thing, this feeling that I cannot really do anything thing and start crying. It’s the most real I feel all week.

This is the crux. I have more ideas than Manchester has rain but shudder at putting them in to long-term practice. As I wipe away my tears I know that it’s not simply what you do that makes a life but (and this may sound obvious) how you do it, and how you stop doing the things you don’t do (in my case not applying for things because my conviction I won’t get it).

I hang out all evening, refreshed and soggy, have an idea for a photography and writing workshop I want to pilot, go home and look forward to a photo-shoot tomorrow and an women’s poetry anthology meeting. Morning pages and therapy is the way through. It’s interesting that I have an upcoming residency in a community garden, there is something so resonant for me about things actually taking root.

I’m also thinking, at this late hour, that this blog has been important to me. It’s fascinating to hear about other people’s lives, what they do and how they manage them. For me it’s brought in to sharp focus my need for an underpinning of self-confidence, without it all those time management and planning skills will go to waste. In short if I don’t feel I am entitled to have a creative life no amount of action planning is going to get me there.